I know the nature of a blog is public. Yes, sometimes, it’s for us- we just want to express something. But let’s face it, we have pen and paper for that. Good old-fashioned journals. I have one of them too. So, I just want to express something, mainly for me, but of course, I am pretty sure it will resonate with someone reading.
I’ve just started getting up early again, really early. I had stopped doing it over summer, and I just let my little man wake me (which wasn’t so very late, to be honest!) I had made a few half hearted attempts to return to my old routine, but even as I set the alarm the night before, I didn’t really want to. And so I knew, even though I announced to A. that I would be getting up at 5am, I knew I wouldn’t. Because I didn’t really want to. I knew that once I had begun doing it again, I would start to want to ( see “Law of the Universe“) but I just could not take that step of “faith”.
And so it was, that something somebody said the other day really struck a chord and I felt quite enveloped with a desire to get a handle on my morning routine again. I was so excited for Monday morning. And here I am, three days later, and only 18 more till its a habit again by all accounts 😉 And I wonder, and have wondered so often, why we find it so hard to do those things which actually make us feel so amazing?
And of course, I am getting to food, because this, friends, is Loving Leaves, a tribute to plant foods, and eating close to nature. 🙂
I began to make changes to what I eat and drink, I suppose, when Ellie was a baby. I cut out all sugar and white flour, dairy produce, I was not a meat eater anyway, generally, I began to eat lots of raw produce etc etc Since the time I started making these changes, I have see-sawed all over the place before I have reached this place where I don’t crave the old stuff anymore.
However. At one point on my see-saw, and I am trying to remember how I reached this stage, I was eating a microwave chicken curry every day, and a packet of millionnaires shortbread every day.Every.Day. And woe betide my husband if he tried to suggest that I needed to address something….I am laughing as I write this….but I was actually miserable. I cannot remember if I was fed up for other reasons and was trying to self-soothe with food…or if I just gave in to a one-off momentary craving, which fed those cravings and they took over me every evening, making me feel miserably out of control.
Okay, so all the time I was having this curry and sugar fest every evening, I would be thinking “Why am I persisting in doing something which is making me feel so disgusting?” I could feel myself putting on weight in my clothes, I felt so heavy and bloated every evening, I started getting spots for the first time since adolescence, I fell asleep the minute I sat down anywhere, and my motivation for life had also plummeted.
And here’s the thing, and it’s simply this: you do not feel vibrant and thriving when you do not live in harmony with stuff you really know to be true and good.
I don’t mean the things “people” have told you are true, but the things that are really written upon your soul, and that, experientially, you know that they make you feel good, happy, joyful, enthusiastic, peaceful and focussed. At the point of my curry and caramel shortbread episode, I really had found out for myself how great it feels to overcome food addictions, which is why I still wonder how I abandoned it. But still. The point is…..I said “enough is enough!” I have quite a lot of determination when I set my mind to a goal, and I just ditched it all overnight, returned to my former way of eating, and within 48 hours was saying to my husband “I feel so different!! Why did I ever stop this?!”
Such is the human being. But moving forward in any respect is sweet and I thank God for it. And I will do so again tomorrow, when I am joyfully rolling out of bed at 5am for a cheeky Chaturanga Dandasana. 🙂